Ess' Combat Record
Clone troopers continue to demonstrate techniques I had not seen before. I’m really surprised that they don’t seem to be at all slowed down by such a long time in carbonite. They are all quite a bit faster than I am. I hope I can best one of them in the future. I can tell that my training with them is paying off. Dahlim always said that the best way to improve was to fight someone better than you. Its also the best way to get yourself killed. I’m not sure I could have gotten everyone off of Elem if the troopers had not had a change of directive.
I’m still upset about the imp officer. The guy was an ass, but it would be hard for me to understand too if I woke up in thirty years to find out the republic was gone. I imagine finding out that the “rebellion” was running things was about the same as it would be for me to wake up and here that Rasher was the damned king of the galaxy. He was without a doubt an enemy, but he was beaten. Why did I need so badly to not just defeat him, but to hurt him? I watched the life go out of him, then I hit him again. Not exactly the best way to test myself, not unless I failed the test. At the same time, though, I feel better. Sounds awful. I killed a man and it made me feel better. Yeesh. At least I think I have a better idea of who I am, not just who others want me to be.
Bel Ibliss was not what I expected. All I knew about him was his tactical mastery of starship combat, I did not expect a well-spoken but almost frail old man. Still, he was pleasant, nice to talk to and all. Like Barthos said, its nice to be off of the sidelines at a gathering like that, get all dressed up and forget that my job is hitting things. Second time I met Corran Horn, too. That guy knows how to handle himself, I can see it in his walk. Not just with a lightsaber, either, I bet. He’s got a history, maybe I’ll hear it someday.
I’m glad Barthos’ quest for this ring is satisfied. Not only does it mean he can go back to Cervilia with his head held high, but it opens up so many avenues for us to take next! I’d like to move on Rasher, maybe help Selken out of a jam, hell, even move on the Children. It sounds like dad is out there taking the fight to them, would be a good feeling to fight alongside him, especially knowing what I do now. While we are on PH, though, I’ll have to see if Hallomar thinks I’m about ready to go on a hunt. That would be a test.
What happens when someone is afraid? I mean, at a basic level, the body releases adrenaline, reaction times get faster and discomforts like pain or fatigue don’t really register. But what about on a less physical level? Barthos was so adamant that he was not afraid of what we are doing that it seemed dangerous. A little fear is worth a lot as far as self preservation instincts or just knowing when something is not a good idea. I’m glad that the people I travel with are sometimes afraid; if they weren’t I would be even more so.
I know I have been afraid. Every time I go into a fight, there is a little bit of fear, but its mixed with a strange, almost euphoric feeling. I know that, in that moment, I am completely alive. And I know what I’m doing. But when we landed on Ilum and we were attacked by the clones…I was afraid for my life, sure, but even more so for the lives of everyone else. I mean, my job is to keep them alive. How could I do that if I’m gunned down by elite clone troopers? How can I do that when I’m locked in a cell? It would have been nothing for the officer to walk down the row of cells and shoot each of us in turn. There was nothing I could have done about it. I was completely out of control and I was afraid. I guess thats why I did what I did to him. The yuzzem on Nar Shadda was easily three times my size, but he did not scare me. The gamoreans and grans on Entopa had us completely surrounded, but I was not afraid. That one little imperial officer with his four clones scared me so badly that I was not in control of myself, let alone the situation. If I can help it, I will not let that happen again.
We are walking into what will likely be the biggest fight I’ve seen in along time. I’m afraid, but its on my terms. I know they will fight back, and hard, but its better than walking into the Jedi ruins blind. I know one thing: no matter what happens in there, I will not be taken prisoner. I can stomach being beaten in a fight, that’s the best way to get better, but I do not want to experience that again. I hope Rasher and his boys are ready for a fight, ‘cause I’m planning to bring them one.